All that is clear is that this hurts

I don’t know how to write about this one. 

I don’t actually want to know anything more about loss or how to handle it. 

However, what I have learned is that believing that I know what to do or that I have any control in life is sort of like raking leaves on a windy day. Pointless. Or rather, limited in it’s importance. Sure we need to rake the leaves, do the laundry and brush our teeth. But it doesn’t really matter. Do the work but know that the only part of it that matters is the action. Results are temporary. 

I miss the days when we were all whole and happy. I miss watching my kids adore my husband’s brother. I miss listening to my husband tell his brother outlandish jokes. I miss watching my sister-in-law tell her husband all about the plans she’d made for them and how he’d act like he didn’t want to follow her to every water park in America if she asked him too. I miss seeing the glow of pride in my in-laws’ eyes as they watched their son care for his kids. I miss his way of praising and loving his own kids. 

I know I can’t change any of it. I know I can’t save anyone I love from the pain that they feel. At least one of us has cried ourselves to sleep every night since Dustin abruptly passed away. 

I can’t make sense of any of it yet. I do know this tiny thing: Dustin knew how to slow down, listen and enjoy the company he kept. And I’m really going to miss that part of our lives. 


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